Queer Eye for the Ninja Guy
by chibi-onna1
Summary: Finally, a team for every ninja's other personal needs! Warning: Yaoi. If you don't like, don't read. Also, it's one hell of a crack fic. Read at your stomach muscles' risk. Chapter 4: The Big Night is up!
1. The Gathering

Disclaimer: **WHEEEEEEE! I OWN NARUTO!** _A nurse comes in._ (Nurse: Hmmm… Somebody had too much chocolate today….) _Chibi smiles guiltily and continues to bounce around the room._ (Nurse: _Sigh._ I told her to lay off the sweets… Damn, she's high again…)

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A/N: _Chibi grins._ As I've mentioned in my other fic (Filling the Void, if anyone wants to know), the plot bunny of this story had been hopping around in my head for a while now. Sadly, I only posted this now since I figured out how to start this thing just recently…

Anyway, I hope you guys will have fun in reading this… And before anything else, yes: I am insane.

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Queer Eye for the Ninja Guy

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Chapter 1: The Gathering

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Crazy, hysterical laughter rang out of the Hokage's office. The Anbu assigned to guard her were immediately alerted and came bursting through the door.

"HAHAHAHAHA! I'm—BWAHAHAHAHA! Ok-k-kay," a fresh batch of unbecoming guffaws followed the semi-coherent statement.

The pair of Anbu looked at each other and disappeared in a swirl of leaves. Their thoughts and expressions will forever be lost to us; those damned masks are always in the way. It would've been interesting to know... Ah, but we digress.

Godaime Hokage was trying to catch her breath. Finally calming down, she picked herself up from the floor and sat properly. She pored over a certain scroll. Once again, giggles threatened to come out, but she fought to keep it down.

"It's still a mission, after all," she grinned.

For hours on end, she had been going over the mission requests and had grudgingly been ranking them. It was unexpectedly stressful. And then _this_ came along.

"Now, how do I rank this?" she snickered, "And who will do it?"

"Slacking off again, old hag?"

Uzumaki Naruto, aspiring Rokudaime, interrupted her gleeful scheming.

Annoyed at the sudden disruption, she yelled, "**SHUT UP, YOU BRAT! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WORKING? STOP MAKING MY JOB HARDER THAN IT ALREADY IS AND GO AWAY!**"

Clearly, she was in no mood to cater to his playful banter.

"Hn," Naruto smirked, "It must be old age catching up…"

He ducked just in time as three pens and a paperweight sailed through the air, embedding themselves in the wall.

The eighteen-year old jounin took great amusement in the look of bloody murder on Tsunade's face.

That is, before her eyes took on a dangerous glint.

A _very_ dangerous glint.

"Naruto-kun," her smile and sing-song voice were too sickeningly sweet, "I have just the mission for you…"

Fighting the urge to step back, the young man replied, "Really?" It took all of his iron will not to stutter.

"Yup! It's quite a mission… So I'm giving you the liberty of choosing a competent team… After all, it's an **_S-class…_**" she flipped the scroll in the air. The trap was set, and the lure was just too tempting to ignore.

Naruto lunged for the scroll but Tsunade kept it out of his reach.

"Tsk, tsk… Not so fast. There is a condition…." Eagerness was evident in the sky-blue eyes.

She continued, "Once you accept, there is no turning back…"

"I'll take that mission and I'll never back down! That's my Nindo!"

Oh, it was too easy.

"Fine. Here."

Naruto caught the scroll and unrolled it, impatient to know about its contents. Scanning through it, his eyes steadily grew wider.

"**WHAT THE FUCK!**"

And the Mean Screaming Machine was back in business.

The loudmouth stared at the deranged woman. "Is this for real!"

The look of pure evil was answer enough. He sighed, knowing that he had sealed his own fate.

"B-but **_how_**?"

I don't know, brat. That's your responsibility now. And considering what you have to do, I suggest you go and make yourself busy."

* * *

_Damned hag. Using my own Nindo against me…_

Naruto grumbled to himself. He had been brainstorming for the past hour and he still drew a blank.

He tried to think while sitting. No good: he almost fell asleep.

He tried to think while eating. Iruka was there with him and had offered to help, but he could only focus on the rich aroma, the divine taste of the ultimate dish; the best gift humankind had ever received from the high heavens: ramen.

He even tried thinking upside down, sticking his chakra-enhanced feet on the ceiling! A lot of good that did for him. All he got was too much blood to his head and a throbbing pain in the same place.

_Nada. Zilch. Zero._

So right now, he tried pacing.

_Change._ That was the key word. To be able to change something, you have to strip it down to its most basic components… And change, in this case, must be _total_.

Finally, he was onto something.

He was pacing faster now. He would need help. Lots of it. Five more people? Six? No. That's too many. As the old saying goes, "too many cooks spoil the ramen."

He circled the room, again and again. Four. Four is perfect. But who?

"Tadaima."

If the carpet wasn't an inanimate object, one could've heard it sigh in contentment and relief as the blond's pacing stopped.

A vulpine grin appeared.

_One down, three to go.

* * *

_

Sasuke blinked. The new carpet was adorned by worn spirals. He looked at Naruto's fox grin and equally worn slippers. He shook his head.

_I don't even want to know…_

He proceeded to find some change of clothes. Though he was relatively clean, his outfit told a different story.

_Damn Kakashi! Making me babysit his new brats…_

He shed his flack jacket, revealing a black muscle shirt that exposed the lines and curves of his nicely-toned body. He was even more drool-worthy now, with that lithe body, porcelain skin, and pretty face with fathomless black pools as eyes.

The numbers of his fangirls and fanboys had been increasing every year. They never tried anything, though. He smirked.

They would never dare.

Not with Naruto as competition.

All rational thoughts were blown away as calloused hands slipped under his shirt, stroking his smooth skin.

That's right. A triumphant smile graced his features. They were together now.

_He was Naruto's._

He shivered as hot breath grazed his curse seal.

"Okaeri."

That patch of skin had become sensitive since the Snake Bastard put the said seal there.

He turned his head slightly to receive a hungry kiss from the taller blond.

Who would've thought Naruto would ever be taller than him? The fox-boy had always been short for his age. Nobody prepared them for the sudden growth spurt.

They broke for air and Sasuke stared at cerulean eyes clouded over with lust and a hint of mischief. Naruto had eyes to die for. Turning around, Sasuke's gaze wandered to the sun-kissed spiky hair, the roguishly handsome face, the sexy tanned frame. It was no wonder a new fan club was born.

Over the years, Naruto had become as popular as him in that department. But if those fanboys and fangirls thought that they could have the future Rokudaime for themselves, they had another thing coming.

The Uchiha turned to face his lover and initiated a kiss.

_Naruto was his._

And he intended to do **_anything_** to keep it that way.

* * *

Naruto woke up to the distinct feeling of warmth and sense of fulfillment. He sighed, stroking the raven locks splayed all over his chest. He smiled. Sasuke had such an iron grip on his torso.

_I wish we could stay like this longer…_

But he knew he had duties to attend to, especially _that_ mission.

_Oh, well… Desperate times call for desperate measures…_

Forming a seal, Naruto disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving a fluffy pillow in the place he previously occupied. Ah, Kawarimi. Such a useful technique.

He hastily showered and dressed, then ran as fast as he could to the Hokage Tower.

Naruto barged into the office and found Tsunade drooling over all sorts of documents. He picked up a folder and rolled it into a cone. Taking a deep breath, he yelled into it, "**OHAYOU, TSUNADE-BAACHAN!**"

The Slug Sannin fell over; the sheer shock of the sound waves knocked her back along with the chair.

"**GODDAMMIT, NARUTO! ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME DEAF? DON'T EVER PULL THAT STUNT ON ME AGAIN!**" She grabbed his neck and shook him hard. She only stopped when he started to turn blue.

"What do you need, brat? This better be good…" She righted her chair and sat while Naruto hacked and wheezed in the background.

"Tsuna-_cough_-de… _coughcough_ baba… I _wheeze_ don't know wh-_cough_-who else to take _ahem_ with me… I need three more people…" he slowly recovered.

She sneered, "I told you yesterday, that's your problem. Not mine."

Naruto opened his mouth to protest, but nothing came out. He knew she was right. Sighing, he turned and went for the door.

"Naruto, wait."

The teenager smiled.

_Maybe she'll help me after all!_

"Could you deliver this to the Hyuuga compound? I want you to give these to Hinata."

She handed him a package full of medical equipment.

The jounin's shoulders slumped.

_I should've known…_

He nodded and disappeared in a puff of smoke. He didn't feel like taking the stairs.

* * *

Hyuuga Hinata stared mournfully at the shrine before her.

_Naruto-kun…_

She sighed. She had definitely lost him; not that she ever had him to begin with. He was someone else's now. And to add insult to the injury, it just had to be Uchiha Sasuke: the 'Betrayer'.

_Of all people!_

She grabbed a plush doll at the base of the altar and stabbed it repeatedly with several miniature kunai and shuriken (she had forged them, herself). Her bloodlust sated, she unceremoniously dropped the ningyou down to its place on the floor.

Upon closer inspection, the battered doll suspiciously resembled a certain black-haired, sharingan-wielding jounin.

She finished her daily ritual with a kiss to Naruto's central picture and crawled out of the secret compartment of her closet. She made sure to lock it securely, and put up the most powerful genjutsu she knew. She stretched and made her way to the front yard to start her morning training.

She had just made it to the open area when the doorbell rang. She was closest to the gate, so she decided to answer it. But before anything else,

"Byakugan!"

The heiress gasped.

_Am I dreaming?_

She moved to slap herself, but thought better of it.

_On second thought, if this is a dream, I don't want to wake up!_

The closet fangirl, both literally and figuratively, wasted no time in opening the door.

"Ohayou, N-naruto-k-kun…" she felt her face warm up.

"Hey, Hinata-chan! You're just the person I want to see!" he flashed a charming smile.

Hinata felt like she had died and had gone to heaven.

* * *

Naruto followed the shy girl into the Hyuuga compound. She led him to what looked like a receiving room for guests.

Stuttering, Hinata asked him to take a seat on the tatami-covered floor and to wait for her to brew up some tea.

He looked around. As expected, the place reeked of the sense of arrogant properness.

_Hyuugas and sticks up their asses…They really should try to loosen up._

A strange sound broke his reverie. The odd noise seemed to come from a machine of sorts.

He never was able to win over his curiosity. He got up and followed the slightly muffled sound. It led him to the room just across the hallway. The sliding door was slightly ajar. He took a peek. He wasn't prepared for the sight that met him.

_Whiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrr……_

It was Neji, blow-drying his hair. Before a huge-ass mirror.

It was probably his overflowing luck that placed him in an angle where he couldn't be seen from the mirror. What's more, he was in the pale boy's blind spot.

The sound died out and Neji carefully brushed his long ebony tresses. He tied it loosely and formed the tiger seal. Obviously, he was gathering chakra. The question was, where? Naruto got his answer soon enough.

Neji released the seal and flipped his hair. The strands fell slowly and gracefully. They settled down, not a filament out of place, like some kind of freaky shampoo commercial.

_He uses chakra to fix his hair? Now I've seen everything!_

The blond remembered their first fight. Neji had been sweaty, bruised and bloodied, yet his hair was still in perfect modeling shape. No wonder the Hyuuga prodigy's hair always looked neat and shiny!

Sensing another presence coming, he swiftly returned to the receiving room. Hinata came in moments later and served him some tea. They drank in silence, until their cups were drained.

"Thanks, Hinata-chan! Oh, here's the package the old hag sent you," he handed her the bag.

Hinata bowed politely and smiled, "T-thanks, Naruto-k-kun…"

"No problem! Hey, I have to go, lots of stuff to do."

She moved to try and accompany him. He saw this and shook his head.

"Don't worry about me, Hinata-chan, I know my way out."

The red-faced girl nodded and took the tray to the kitchen for cleaning up.

On his way to the gate, Naruto came upon the Hyuuga prodigy, practicing his katas.

"Hey, Neji!" the other jounin turned to him and came closer.

"Naruto. What brings you here?"

"Oh, Tsunade-baachan asked me to deliver some stuff to Hinata-chan…"

He didn't notice, but the older boy frowned slightly at that.

Naruto seemed thoughtful for a while.

"Neji, how would you like to join my team for an S-class mission?"

Neji was slightly taken aback. But he accepted anyway.

"Great! I'll just send you a messenger bird to tell you when and where we'll meet!"

The blond waved and went out, closing the gate behind him.

_Weird. Lately, their faces suddenly become very red… Hmmm… Must be a genetic thing…_

Naruto brushed the thought aside and rejoiced.

_Only two more…

* * *

_

The medic nin reported everything he knew to the Otokage.

Kabuto knelt before his lord, waiting for orders that were sure to come.

"You're coming with me."

"Hai, Orochimaru-sama."

* * *

"Iruka-sensei!"

The Academy teacher turned and smiled at his former student.

"Hi, Naruto."

"Did you find someone for me?" the blond asked, anxious about the answer.

The chuunin nodded. "I told him the details and he's okay for the job."

Naruto had come to him the day before, telling him about his problem as they ate some ramen. He had promised to try and find someone fit to help.

"**YATTA!**" The Uzumaki pumped his fist in the air. "Can I meet that person?"

Out of the shadows stepped a ninja whom Naruto had never seen before.

"Ore wa Maru desu. Douzo yoroshiku," he politely bowed.

"I'm Naruto! Welcome to the team! Anou, Maru-san… Is it okay if I just inform you using a messenger bird? I'm sort of behind schedule…"

The newcomer smiled. "It's okay. I want to thank you for having me."

Naruto bowed and bounced away.

Maru and Iruka walked towards the forest. Safely out of sight, chakra smoke materialized.

Orochimaru and Kabuto appeared in the pair's place.

* * *

Naruto ran all around Konoha.

_Dammit! Almost everyone else is already out on a mission!_

Suddenly, he stopped. Keen senses told him something was undoubtedly wrong.

_Genjutsu!_

Forming a seal, Naruto dispelled it. "**_KAI!_**"

He was facing a dead end of a deserted alley. Warning bells went off in his head, and he whipped around, facing his attacker.

"O hisashiburi, Kitsune."

"Itachi," Naruto hissed, "Get out of here before Sasuke and I kill you!"

"Oh, you wouldn't."

Naruto snorted at that. "Yeah, right."

"I know you need me."

"Huh?" Naruto was definitely taken aback by that.

"The mission, Kitsune. You need me for the mission."

"Wha— How did you…?"

Itachi sighed. "I'm an evil villain. I know these things."

"B-but you're a missing nin! And Sasuke's out to kill you! And he's a member of the team!"

"I told you. I already know that. That's why I'm going to use henge."

He instantly altered his appearance, taking extra measures so other sharingan users won't see through it.

Naruto eyed him warily. "Why are you doing this?"

Itachi told him.

Naruto sighed, after hearing the weasel's reason.

"Fine. You're in. Just don't cause trouble for me. And don't even try to abduct me, you bastard! Or I'll make sure you'll never be able to—"

"Agreed," his lover's only kin cut him off.

Naruto smirked. It seemed he now had a certain hold over the man.

"Be at the bridge where Team Seven used to meet. I trust you know where that is, Villain-san," Naruto sneered, "Seven in the morning. Don't be late."

Both ninjas disappeared.

Later that night, two messenger birds were sent out, carrying the meeting time and place.

Only a few hours were left before Konoha would wake up to a gathering of the most able shinobi for the job.

A gathering that would surely change the lives of ninjas all over the world.

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A/N: _Chibi looks up at the text._ Ooh. That was long. Heehee! I'm having so much fun! I just hope you did, as well. So, tell me what you think! Don't be shy! Go ahead, click that button and review! _Chibi runs off to eat more chocolate._


	2. A Near Impossible Task

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto or Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, I'd be rich as hell. Which I'm not. Go figure.

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A/N: I really am enjoying this. _Chibi grins._ Thanks to all who took the time to read this, especially those who reviewed. You made my day. _Chibi gives out chocolates._ Replies to reviews come after the chapter.

And before I forget, **I removed a certain scene from this chapter because of ffnet's rules (LEMON ALERT!). Should you wish to see the full version, kindly go to my profile and click the link labeled for this fic.

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**

Queer Eye for the Ninja Guy

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Chapter 2: A Near Impossible Task

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Only half an hour had passed since the sun had risen from the horizon. The grounds were still relatively quiet: no clashing of kunai against other kunai, no whistling caused by shuriken, no shouts of trademark attacks. Even the animals were silent. At that moment, no noise existed; apart from the natural rustling in the trees as the breeze picked up and the melodious trickling of the water under the bridge.

One moment, the small clearing was empty. A leaf flew right by it, before falling into the small stream. The next, five figures soundlessly appeared. The leaf made contact, creating ripples on the once smooth surface.

"I see you're all on time. A good start, if you ask me," the team leader commented.

No response came, but it didn't look like he was expecting any. He gave each member a scroll.

"The mission details are there. I only straightened out the finer points when I assessed your individual skills in the area."

The others opened and read through the scrolls. Two looked like they were expecting what they got. The other two did not know how to react.

One decided to speak up, "Usuratonkachi… Is this another one of your pranks?" His left eye was twitching.

The other confused party seemed torn between asking the same question and smiling in amusement; that is, if you looked hard enough. To everyone else, he was just one of those primly proper and undoubtedly formal people.

The leader sighed. He had anticipated this. "It's a serious S-class mission. If you don't believe me, go to the old hag. She handed it to me personally. But you can't do that now, because we'll be losing time. We need every little second we've got."

"I will not be a part of this." The stubborn one started to move away.

"But you promised!" the yell echoed through the forest.

The nin stopped walking and turned back. He scowled. "There's a difference between promising and being _forced_ to promise."

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A/N: This part is the missing scene. Please see author's notes above.

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Hyuuga Neji had absolutely no idea what was running through the couple's minds. They had been staring at each other for a while now. Naruto had this annoying smirk while The Betrayer proceeded to outdo a blushing tomato.

On the outside, he was calm and collected; but in his mind, a tribe of Nejis pranced around a bonfire, a tied up Sasuke in tow: he would be an adequate sacrifice for Naruto-sama: their Sun God.

Another shout from that ear-splitting yet heavenly voice shifted his mind's focus.

"It's still a promise!" The man of his dreams insisted, "And a ninja never goes back on his words!"

"That's not my Nindo, idiot!"

They were fighting.

Well, it was more of a discussion, perhaps……

Um, okay, that counts as fighting.

Thanks to his 359-degree vision, Neji saw a bulb light up near a side of his head.

He idly wondered if he was seeing things, but dismissed it since he found a more interesting idea than that of a floating light bulb functioning without electricity or batteries.

_I can use this to my advantage! That's it, Uchiha… Walk away…_

With grace unlike any other, Neji glided to Naruto's side.

Yes, he glided. It's not a typographical error or any of the sort.

Anyway, Neji glided to Naruto's side and put up the most sympathetic face he could. Neji didn't make a habit of this, so it was amazing that he pulled the look off without seeming constipated.

"It's okay, Naruto-kun… Even if he doesn't join us, we'll be able to accomplish the mission… I'll be there with you every step of the way…" said Neji, releasing a small amount of chakra to make his incredible hair sway to a non-existent breeze while putting his hands on the blond's shoulders.

He was rewarded with a beautiful smile and a glomp. "Thanks, Neji! I knew I was right in picking you…"

Naruto turned his head to face his lover. "And _you_ can enjoy the couch for a week." He gave him an utterly faked sweet smile.

Neji was elated. His god was still hugging him. He smirked at the stricken face of his rival.

_This has to be the best day of my life…_

He made a mental note to get in the shrine in his closet later and jot this down on his 'Naruto Encounters' logbook.

* * *

Sasuke stared at them in horror.

_This has to be a fucking nightmare!_

The speed of his eye's twitching increased two-fold.

"Fine. As you said, it's still a promise. Now let's get down to business," he swiftly grabbed Naruto's arm and yanked him away from Neji.

He had agreed, but he wasn't sure whether it was because of the vain Hyuuga (to have hair like that, it was impossible to think Neji devoted little time for grooming) trying to steal his Naruto; or the threat of a cold couch with only his right hand as a companion for a week.

He decided it was for both reasons.

* * *

Itachi raised an eyebrow at the scene before him. He had known his otouto was the uke, but to see them like this was just hilarious. Not that he would laugh, mind you.

All the while, he had been observing everyone and everything around him. He had expected that Sasuke would back out at the moment of truth. His little brother was just too predictable.

_The Hyuuga prodigy is thinking of taking advantage of the situation…_

He had seen that light bulb there, even if it was only for a fleeting moment.

Whilst the youngsters bickered among themselves, he turned his attention to the last member of the group. Oh, he knew it was Orochimaru. And he knew the Sannin was here to try and get his foolish little brother again. He wasn't worried, though. He knew Naruto was too much of an anchor for the Sasuke ship to be steered by Captain Orochimaru.

He also knew that Orochimaru, in all his evil power, was not privy to the information available to him. The older Uchiha prided himself in knowing that he knew more than anyone in the ninja world; oh, and the readers, too. After all, he wasn't a psycho evil villain for nothing. He was sure they were itching to squeeze many facts out of him. That is, if they knew he was there, under a heavily concealed henge, and if they were able to get a hold of him. He sighed.

It was a tough job to keep tabs on everything, but someone had to do it.

He was resigned to this noble cause…

Alert once again, he stared at Neji. The nineteen-year old was clearly enjoying every second of his borrowed paradise. Itachi smirked.

_He's thinking of putting this moment in his logbook on the podium of the shrine dedicated to Naruto in his closet concealed under a high-level genjutsu. It's amazing how he and the heiress are so similar._

How he knew that, we'll never know.

Itachi also knew that the spotlight would soon be shifting to someone else. He didn't mind. He knew that the authoress thought that the readers were probably sick and tired of the word 'know' and its derivatives from overuse in his segment.

* * *

Rock Lee failed to do his daily training routine today, hence the quietness this morning. He had been restless since the night before, and he didn't get any sleep. It was a good thing his flames of youth surpassed the power of the formation of eye bags. God forbid! Most people couldn't stand to look at his round eyes without them, what more if those existed!

And all that just because of the note Shizune-san had passed him the day before.

"This is from Hokage-sama," she had said with a wink.

Lee opened the note again and stared at the untidy scrawls and squiggles that were supposed to be Tsunade-hime's calligraphy. He had spent the whole night deciphering the message. And no, it wasn't coded. Her handwriting was just really bad, as most doctors were wont to have.

It simply said, "Mission approved. Expect visitors tomorrow."

Two teeny weenie sentences. Five words.

Most shinobi would probably be screaming obscenities right now (all that work just for five words in two sentences!); but not this one. He was chosen to bear the flames of youth. Whatever that was.

And so the taijutsu specialist waited patiently for the nins to arrive. He was nervous and excited at the same time. His request was really difficult: he wouldn't be surprised if it were ranked as an S-class. Unable to do anything else, he crossed his fingers and hoped for the best.

Round eyes became even more circular (if that was even possible) as he heard a series of knocks.

_They're here!_

He wasted no time in opening it, welcoming his five visitors with a blinding flash of his pearly whites. He was mildly surprised at the identities of the three. He didn't know the other two, though.

After recovering, the leader smirked at him, an eternal fire of youth in his blue eyes.

"Rock Lee, we're here to give you a make-over."

A/N: _Chibi rolls over the floor, laughing._ Please review and tell me what you think! Oh, and no offense to doctors out there… It's just that, from where I come from, doctors tend to have chicken scratch handwriting.

Anyway, I hope you had fun in this chapter, even if it's really short…

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Replies:

twisted-sheets: There's the job! Thanks for the review! You were the first reviewer of this fic, by the way. _Chibi gives twisted-sheets some candy._ I've taken what you said in consideration. Anyway, how's the progress of our joint fic? Just send the next chapter for beta reading. _Chibi hugs twisted-sheets._

NePtUnIaN QuEeN: Did you smoke crack before you read the first chapter? I think you reading it made the effects a lot worse. _Chibi grins._ C'est une blague. Anyway, thanks for the review! About the characters, it's just so fun to characterize them in that way… _Chibi laughs._ I hope you had as much fun in reading this chapter!

super genin: Yes, it's always the quiet ones… Thanks for the review! _Chibi hugs super genin._

lonegear: _Chibi bonks Itachi on the head._ No more smashing from Itachi! Yay! Thanks for reviewing! I hope you had fun in this chapter, too. _Chibi grins._

y8ukiuy: Thank you for sharing your thoughts, however indiscernible they may be.

Kurisutaru39: Thanks for the review! _Chibi grins._ Neji is just so funny, isn't he? And thank you for the constructive criticism. As you probably noticed, I threw in a lot of details up there. Thanks again!

magerm: You are not alone. Let's be weird together! And here's the update… Thanks for reviewing!

Hatake Kaname: Thanks for the review! And yeah, sometimes I scare even myself…

rinkurocks: Thank you! I'm glad you loved it! Here's the update, I hope you enjoyed it! Oh, et parlez-vous français aussi? C'est très bien, ça! Alors, au revoir!

.ReinMagick-Yami no Kage.: Sorry I'm late… You see, I got lost in the algorithms of life… _Chibi looks at ReinMagick-Yami no Kage's raised eyebrow._ Uhm, never mind. Damn, I'm picking up on Kakashi's worse habits… Thanks for the review!

Baka Manuke: Pinpon! You're absolutely right! Thanks for reviewing! Here's the next chapter, I hope you didn't have to wait too long… _Chibi smiles._

Puchu-chan: _Chibi glomps Puchu-chan._ I missed you! Anyway, the last sentence of this chapter should answer your question… And as usual, don't die. You'll miss out on the next chapter if you do… _Chibi grins._


	3. It Has Begun

Disclaimer: Naruto and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, I own not.

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A/N: I'm on a roll! Another chapter done! Yay! And it's even longer! I wrote this with tender loving crack…. I mean, care! Also, this chapter is dedicated to chibi okama, my buddy who just had a birthday! Yay! Otanjoubi omedetto! I so did not forget your birthday… Sorry for the lateness of my gift though…

Anyways, the rest of you guys just read on and enjoy!

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Queer Eye for the Ninja Guy

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Chapter 3: It Has Begun

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Naruto shielded his face. The sudden flash of light proved to be too much for his poor irises. He opened his eyes slowly (they still hurt), only to see stars of different colors and sizes dancing in his field of vision. He took a moment to recover and blinked a few more times for good measure.

_Damn, this must be how movie stars feel all the time…_

He then realized that it was only Rock Lee's Nice Guy Smile™. He wondered if those sparkling teeth could glow in the dark from too much bleaching.

Imagine a set of teeth floating in the dark.

_Ooh. Scary._

Regaining his composure, Naruto shook the thought off and rose to his position. He had to handle this. He was the leader, after all. He smirked.

"Rock Lee, we're here to give you a make-over."

Their gracious host smiled (it was toned down by ten notches so it was more bearable) and ushered them in the nicely-kept house.

Well, it was nicely kept, save for the posters of Maito Gai all over the walls.

Now _those_ were disturbing.

Naruto stole glances at his teammates, checking if their sanity was still intact.

Maru-san looked kind of revolted, but he said nothing so that should be okay.

Neji didn't even bat an eyelash. He was used to it and had seen worse. After all, he was a part of Team Gai back in his genin days. Naruto felt a twinge of sympathy for his comrade.

_Nobody should suffer that much…_

Sasuke's face was as stoic as ever, but the goose bumps on his arms betrayed his cool façade.

Itachi, on the other hand, looked like he knew this all along! And he probably did, the sneaky bastard…

Naruto felt a vein pop.

_Is there anything he doesn't know?_

His annoyance lingered, but he kept it under wraps for the sake of professionalism.

They were offered seats and they settled on the green couches. Lee opted for a beanbag of the same color. Come to think of it, almost everything in his living room was in shades of green, except for the occasional orange pillow and brown oak tables and chairs.

"Lee, you requested for this mission," the client nodded vigorously, "and in doing so, you have placed yourself, your clothes and your estate in our responsibility. For this, we require your ultimate trust and cooperation." The blond paused dramatically.

Then he continued, "I have confidence in this team, and in you as well; so let's do our best, ne?"

"Dobe… I think you overdid the pep talk…" Sasuke whispered.

Sure enough, Rock Lee was trembling, twin waterfalls cascading down his face.

"**NARUTO-KUN! THE FLAMES OF YOUTH BURN BEAUTIFULLY WITHIN YOU!**"

They watched him perform a series of killer Nice Guy Poses™. Collectively, the team thought they wouldn't be surprised if the moves actually killed someone; if those were used in battle, the enemy would just die laughing... That is, if they don't collapse from a heart attack first.

Before Lee could say or do anything more, Naruto interjected, sparing everybody the pain of having to witness the horrifying choreography.

"Okay, let's get started. We don't have much time, so let's move it, people!"

He turned to Lee.

"And you, my friend, will listen to everything that Sasuke has to say. When you guys are done, go straight to the kitchen."

At that, all with the exception of Lee and Sasuke fled the scene.

It has begun.

* * *

Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose.

_Why am I doing this again?_

Images of a smirking Neji hugging _his_ Naruto came instantly. A couch loomed sinisterly in the background.

_Oh… right…_

"I want you to forget everything Gai taught you outside of training."

He looked at Rock Lee's face. It held the most pitiful expression he had ever seen. It was just impossible to ignore.

"Fine. I see that's too much to ask of you…" Sasuke thought for a while. "I'm willing to compromise, but that's as far as it's gonna go." Gai's successor sighed in relief.

He continued, "I won't force you to forget his teachings, but I forbid you to apply and proclaim them for at least twenty four hours."

The other nin was now doing a very accurate imitation of a goldfish. He was devastated at the notion of stopping his very way of life. Besides, this was the first time he ever heard Sasuke say so much words and sentences to anyone other than Naruto. The broody jounin had always been a man of few words.

"But—"

He was cut off by the famous Uchiha Glare™.

"Do you want to go through with this or not?"

Weighing all his options and priorities, Rock Lee steeled his resolve.

"**YOSH! I SHALL TEMPORARILY LOCK THE FLAMES OF YOUTH WITHIN MY HEART! THERE, THEY SHALL BURN MORE THAN EVER!**" He pumped his fist in the air while a tsunami splashed in the background.

"…………" Sasuke replied, drenched from sea water that came out of nowhere.

Lee grinned apologetically.

"Oops."

Sasuke felt a migraine coming on.

* * *

Naruto was in the zone. He whipped through the unfamiliar kitchen with surprising ease and accuracy, getting the required ingredients from rows upon rows of cabinets.

With an unmistakable look of intense concentration, he set aside precise amounts of the said ingredients and laid them out in an organized manner.

Quite frankly, his gait resembled that of an Iron Chef.

One could almost imagine him posing with an apron on his waist, a hat on his head, and a pear in his hand while being hoisted onstage before his very own portrait.

A gong sounded in the distance, signaling the start of the cooking battle.

However, we are sorely mistaken as it was just the sound of Naruto rummaging through the pots and pans.

After a while, he detected a chakra signature coming his way. Using one shiny pot as a mirror, he looked into it, only to see a _harmless_ Maru standing near the counter.

"Eh? Maru-san?"

The intruder bowed, "Uzumaki-san, is it possible for me to get my assistant to work with us?"

Going back to his work, Naruto replied, "Sure," not even bothering to ask who the assistant was, nor did he turn around to face his subject. That's probably why he missed an evil smirk on the supposedly kind face of the man as he left.

He got started on the salad, shredding up the cabbages and crab, mixing them up with some ketchup and mayonnaise. He made sure the mix was even, before putting orange roe on top of the whole thing. Smiling at his work, the blond placed the medium-sized bowl in the fridge. Kani Salad, after all, was best served cold.

Just as he closed the door of the refrigerator, the rice cooker made a soft sound indicating that its contents were good and ready. He checked it and was satisfied with the results. The rice was cooked well: all white and moist and sticky. He transferred the rice into a huge bowl and placed it on the counter where a wooden board laid waiting. He cut the strips of seaweed evenly and started making an assortment of sushi.

He had just finished the task when Lee entered, a paler-than-usual Sasuke in tow. The latter sneezed as he came through the door. Before Naruto could inquire about his lover's health, Lee disappeared and reappeared, holding a fluffy green towel to the slightly trembling Uchiha.

"Gomen, Sasuke-san…" Lee bowed, the action not as excessive as the usual.

Naruto had to quirk an eyebrow at that. He wondered why Sasuke looked like he was splashed with water. He decided to ask later, since it seemed they had made significant progress in the culture area. He had to hand it to Sasuke. The guy was a genius, after all.

"Okay," Naruto gestured to a bunch of ingredients and a mixing bowl, "Lee, I want you to mix these up real fast—"

"Done."

Naruto blinked several times. He had forgotten how quickly the Taijutsu specialist could move.

"Well then," he pointed to another set, "how about those? Cut the—"

It was finished, just like that.

"And—"

Task completed. It's amazing he didn't even have to give directions. It was quite convenient, he mused. He made a mental note to enlist Lee's help when preparing huge meals… In his book, Lee had rightfully claimed the title of 'Handy Chef'.

_But wait; there's more! Call now, and you'll receive this brand new set of kitchen knives, tax free!_

Naruto cleared his throat and ignored the Home T.V. Shopping guy's voice in his head.

"I guess you're done here! Congratulations, Lee! That had to be in record time!"

Rock Lee beamed at the compliment. Naruto honestly thought the other would be crying tears of joy by now (was it just him or Lee's eyes were a little too shiny?), but was mildly surprised when he didn't bawl his eyes out.

No. Scratch that. He was plenty surprised. In fact, if he was wearing socks at that very moment, he would've shot right out of them! Don't ask me why he didn't do so in his sandals, though. I honestly don't know the answer.

_What the hell have you done, Sasuke? This is getting freaky… I hope you didn't scar him for life…_

Naruto, however, had failed to consider that Lee had been scarring more people for life every damned day than the devil, himself! But of course, that could probably be because the devil scars dead people instead.

_Hmmm… Do dead people even get scars?_

Setting the thought aside for further consideration, he directed their client to his next handlers.

* * *

It was deathly silent. Not that those present minded.

Ah… The sweet sound of silence. It didn't last long, though.

"Hey, guys!" It wasn't even a full-blown yell, but the two occupants of the living room felt as if they were in front of a pair of large loudspeakers.

A faint twitch the only indication of one's annoyance; a slight wince for the slight discomfort of the other. They acknowledged the others' presence.

"Naruto. Lee," greeted Neji.

"……" Itachi added.

"We're done here… It's your turn! Good luck!" Naruto grinned, pushing Lee towards the stoic pair.

Neji sighed. He knew his job was difficult, but one of the most essential, nonetheless.

_This is for Naruto._

Now that should be reason enough to continue this madness. He nodded to his companions and they set off.

Traveling through the maze of rooftops, they swiftly reached the shopping district of Konoha. Neji turned to the 'unknown' member of their group. "Chi-san, I shall commence my work after yours. Where do I meet you guys and at what time?"

Chi (how original), known to us as Itachi, answered, "There is no need for that. You can do your part now. I've already finished." He held up two shopping bags and a box of shoes.

Pale eyes revealed mild, yet genuine surprise.

_When did he get those?_

He was about to ask something else when he was interrupted.

"Yes, I'm sure they will fit him perfectly. The clothes and shoes are in his sizes."

If he were a lesser nin, Neji's mouth would've dropped to the ground. But he wasn't, so thank god for that.

_Naruto wasn't kidding when he said this guy was good!_

Back in their meeting just that morning, he had doubts about the abilities of their two other members. When he discreetly voiced it out to the leader, Naruto swept it aside with confident reassurances and winning smiles.

_But that's just too creepy…_

Who, and tell me honestly: who in their right minds would (or even bother to) know Lee's vital statistics?

"Alright then, we'll be taking our leave now." Half of the former Team Gai bowed to Chi and headed for another direction, Neji taking the lead.

"Neji, where are we going?" Lee asked as they speedily leapt over the rooftops.

"Don't worry about it. Just follow me."

A few minutes later, they entered a building.

Lee gulped.

"Anou, Neji?"

A non-committal grunt was the only response he got.

"Why are we here?"

Neji didn't bother to answer. He navigated through the corridors and hallways efficiently, knowing that his charge would hurry after him. He only stopped when he reached an ominous-looking door. He calmly opened it and gestured for Lee to enter.

"After you."

With much trepidation, Lee complied.

As the door closed, the genjutsu dropped and a sign appeared over the threshold. The sign lit up, red and angry as the infamous Sharingan. And it read,

"Emergency Room, OCCUPIED"

* * *

"N-neji? What are you going to do?" Panic was evident in Rock Lee's voice.

"You'll see."

Presently, Rock Lee lay strapped, chained and shackled on an operating table.

The door opened, admitting a nurse pushing a cart of medical supplies, among _other_ items.

"Arigato, Hinata-sama."

"Betsuni, Neji-niisan… Gambatte ne.."

"Un."

After the brief exchange, the pretty nurse made her exit, leaving the poor Taijutsu Specialist to his impending doom—er—I mean, the next step to his transformation.

A snapping sound caught Lee's attention. He paled as he realized Neji already put on a pair of latex gloves.

Neji reached for the tray and held up a long piece of….

Thread.

Alright, get all those perverted things out of your head. That's just sick, man. This is Neji we're talking about. And Rock Lee. That's just… wrong.

Anyway.

"Huh?" Lee was bewildered. "What's the thread for?"

Neji lowered the string to his ex-teammate's face, making a complicated pattern of the material in his hands. He tugged at it, expecting to uproot some of the excess hair above the other's eyes.

The string broke.

Surprised, Neji grabbed a razor blade and made a fresh attempt.

Its tip broke off, ricocheting off the walls before embedding itself on the floor.

Eyes wide, the Hyuuga grabbed a shuriken from his holster.

It ended up much like the razor blade.

Getting frustrated, he settled for a kunai, swiping at the stubborn facial hair.

After several tries, the kunai became so blunt that it couldn't even pierce the ground.

Now in a frenzy, Neji used every sharp pointy object he could find. Fuuma shuriken, steel strings, scalpels, ice picks, kitchen knives, axes, and a couple of chainsaws were rendered useless for life in the short span of five minutes.

Truly, Rock Lee's eyebrows were a force to be reckoned with.

Konoha tailors should seriously consider using them in shinobi clothing.

Nothing seemed to work! But Neji wasn't ready to give up. His pride would never allow it. He still had his last resort.

He shed off his gloves, lab coat and protective goggles, and unlocked the wheels of the movable operating table. He carted a shaking Lee out of the hospital, going straight for the nearest training grounds in the area.

The Hyuuga didn't waste any time in locking the wheels of the operating table and readjusting Lee's position, making him lie on his side with his face going just a small way past the edge of the table.

"Lee."

Paranoid black eyes regarded determined white irises.

"If you value your life, don't move."

Gulping audibly, Lee nodded once and became as still as his namesake.

Neji took a calming breath before carefully going into position.

_I refuse to be defeated._

That said, he prepared to use his ultimate back-up plan: his very last resort.

"**KAITEN!"

* * *

**

A/N: **BWAHAHAHAHAHA!** Bet you weren't expecting that! Heehee! This is too fun! You know, the title of this chapter was supposed to be different, but I cut off one section because I had no idea where to insert it without disrupting the normal flow of events. Don't worry, it will definitely appear in the next chapter.

And I'm really sorry for making you wait so long… I've had a lot on my mind lately, apart from schoolwork and everyday life… I was too depressed to write anything funny at the time. But I've got it sorted out and things are starting to look up. In light of this, I would like to thank everyone who reviewed. You guys helped to cheer me up and gave me more motivation to finish this chapter. Again, thank you.

I have already replied to my reviewers individually, at least all the signed reviews (due to the new regulations of ffnet regarding replies to reviewers…). As for the unsigned reviews:

ISC: Ooh. I didn't know that…. I'm glad you liked it… Thanks for the review!

chibi okama: Belated happy birthday! I hope you liked this chapter… Thanks for reviewing!


	4. The Big Night

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto nor Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Poor me.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the lateness… The infamous Writer's Block™ fell from the sky and landed exactly on me… And it's probably because of the huge X mark at the back of my shirt that faced the sky when I tripped… (_Chibi shows everyone her poor bandaged self._) Couldn't get out from under it for so long… And my thesis is eating my soul!!! But enough of that… Let's get it on!

P.S.: To Rock Lee, I love you (not that way, though)… so I'm sorry… I've been a meanie to you… _(Chibi cries like whoaz…)_ But I'm not gonna apologize to Sasuke, so there. _(Chibi sticks tongue out at a glaring Sasuke)_

* * *

Queer Eye for the Ninja Guy

* * *

Chapter 4: The Big Night

* * *

"Kukukuku…" Orochimaru chuckled creepily.

The gay pedophile (collecting young pretty boys _**and**_ young girls who look like young pretty boys practically proves this point) was feeling giddy, being so close to his goal… After all, it would only be a matter of time before he got the chance to abduct his choice for a vessel. An opening would surely appear, sooner or later… At least, that's what he thought.

Hah, but we all know better; since we were enlightened by the all-knowing Itachi back in the second chapter of this fanfic.

_Cough._

Anyway…

"Kabuto," he called.

His loyal servant immediately snapped to attention.

"You know what to do."

With that, he did what all evil antagonists trying to accomplish some debauched plan did: he left his devoted subordinate to do all the work while he went back to his lair to laugh evilly. And probably to touch up on the makeup. Such villains tend to be vain. Really. I mean, seriously, aren't they all?

Kabuto, being the loyal dog that he was, summoned a scroll that contained his master's favorite plans. He cricked a kink in his neck before opening the said scroll. It would take a lot of work to accomplish the task.

* * *

Neji sat back and took a moment to admire his handy work. He smirked to himself. It would be safe to say that he was quite proud of it. It wasn't perfect (and as we all know, nothing really was) but considering what he had to start with, it was a freaking masterpiece.

Well….

Except for the clothes. Even if he already did wonders on their client, the expanse of tight green spandex did more than just ruin the image. It. Just. Won't. Work. Period.

_Hmmm… Maybe I should have asked Chi-san to give me the purchased items before we set out for the hospital…_

"Lee, we're going to find Chi-san so—"

"You can change into your new clothes."

Neji gritted his teeth in frustration. It was already established that the man had noteworthy skills (he didn't even sense him, and he was an Anbu captain!); but did he have to cut off every sentence he makes so rudely?

As if hearing his thoughts, Chi-san turned to him and apologized for his rudeness.

_Goddammit! There he goes again! How the hell is he doing it?_

Giving him a condescending _I-know-something-you-don't_ smirk, the other nin handed the shopping bags to the fuming Hyuuga.

Knowing that he will not get answers (not that he'll ask), Neji calmed himself and addressed his former teammate.

"You should change into these, but leave the shoes for later. They might get ruined on our way back."

Rock Lee nodded and went to the hospital's nearest restroom.

Chi-san turned to Neji, "I shall be taking my leave now. It seems I am needed elsewhere."

With that, he disappeared in a wisp of smoke.

Neji set off after Lee, having nothing else to do at the moment.

* * *

"So Temee, care to tell me how you got yourself drenched with," he sniffed, "sea water on this hot summer day in Fire Country?"

Sasuke scowled at his grinning lover and stifled a sneeze. "Rock Lee's tsunami." As always, concise and efficient.

Realization dawned on Naruto. "Oh…" His grin stretched wider. "I wonder if he would teach me those freaky background jutsus of his… Oddly enough, Lee can't use chakra, right? I wonder how he pulls them off…"

"Don't even think about it, Dobe."

"But think of all the possibilities!!! Of all the pranks begging to be planned and executed!!!" The blond waved his arms around wildly.

Sasuke's skin turned a shade paler. He was fated never to forget that one time Naruto pranked him so bad he had nightmares about it for a month… and more…

* * *

Sasuke never was a morning person, even if he did wake up at four a.m. everyday. However, over the years, mornings had become more bearable; especially since the first thing he would see would either be his Dobe's smile or same Dobe's cutely innocent sleeping form, depending on who woke up first.

Today was like any other. Sasuke stirred in his sleep; and no, he wasn't making juice nor was he making coffee—that would be an amazing feat, even for him (he didn't even know how to sleepwalk). He snuggled closer to the warmth beside him, opening his eyes slowly as his lover greeted him.

"Ohayo, Temee."

There he was: expecting the warm, handsome smile he had been accustomed to… But instead came face to face with a pair of impossibly round eyes, a pair of caterpillar eyebrows and a set of abnormally white teeth. He froze. He couldn't have been ready for such an assault to his fragile psyche.

"What's wrong?" the _thing_ asked him.

He was too morbidly transfixed at the sight of those thick eyebrows crawling on the face of who was supposed to be Naruto to react properly.

"_I swear those things really are alive…"_ was the only thought his brain processed at the moment.

And then it suddenly clicked.

_He was in bed._ Check.

_He just woke up._ Check.

_In the arms of Rock Lee._ Check.

"……"

He promptly fainted.

"**SASUKE!**"

The Uchiha woke up, breathing hard, hand swiping off the cold sweat from his brow.

"_It's just a nightmare it's just a nightmare it's just a nightmare…"_ was the mantra in his head.

"It's nothing… It's just a nightmare, Dobe."

He felt Naruto move closer. He turned his head to regard his lover, and met a sight so horrifying that both his mind and body shut down and entered a catatonic state.

It was a half-naked Rock Lee, whose face and puckered lips were inches away from his.

The last thing he saw was the wiggling of the colossal eyebrows before he succumbed to the darkness once again.

* * *

Sasuke shuddered at the unwanted memories. Tsunade had to make check-ups on him THRICE DAILY, extending even after the nightmares disappeared (and recently the check-ups had been _reduced_ to four times a week). Yes, it was that bad.

The blond had been worried sick that he'd gone overboard on his prank: that he had probably killed off his lover's mind and scarred him for life, rendering him immobile and useless, thereby successfully ending the Uchiha's career.

However, the number one prankster would be damned not to be proud of incapacitating a ninja of Sasuke's caliber with just a minor genjutsu paired up with the most basic of henges performed twice over. The shock value more than made up for the simplicity of the said techniques. It would be too startling for one to notice the barely-there genjutsu, much less cancel it. It was pure and unadulterated _genius_.

Now that Sasuke really thought about it, that prank should be listed as a high-ranking kinjutsu: _**anybody**_ would crumble under that psychological attack. It would strike fear in the hearts of many, and could be used as a means of torture—I mean, coaxing information out of the most uncooperative enemy nin. The Mangekyou Sharingan would probably be the only thing worse… or would it? After that experience, he wasn't sure anymore. He admired Naruto's sheer brilliance, but let's just say that he would've appreciated it better if he hadn't been the one on the receiving end.

Naruto, just now noticing his partner's pallid face, creased his brows worriedly.

"I was just joking, Sasuke. I won't do that ever again," he said, sounding remorseful. He had correctly guessed where the other's thoughts were going. "At least, not to you…" he added with a grin.

"I know."

Taking deep calming breaths, Sasuke slowly regained his color, though it wasn't that significant since he didn't have much to begin with. He squeezed the hand he didn't realize he was holding.

Naruto smiled tentatively. "I—"

A loud crash interrupted the blond. The lovers looked at each other.

Well.

That ruined the moment.

* * *

Kabuto cursed.

He accidentally knocked over his coffee, causing the liquid to stain a scroll of sealing. When he saw exactly which scroll was ruined, he only had time to widen his eyes and roll out of the way as a huge-ass pillar came out tilted instead of shooting straight up. And naturally, it didn't stay tilted for long.

When the dust cleared up, Kabuto assessed the damages and was relieved to find that nothing else was amiss. A few hand seals later, the pillar was where it was supposed to be. He smiled at his work. He was finally done! He turned to his side, expecting his master to appear at that very moment.

"_How would he know that?"_ the readers might ask.

And I would have to say, _"No, Kabuto is not gonna be all-knowing. No, Itachi's not being recasted into another role. No, we're not replacing him,"_ and _"No, Kabuto and Orochimaru do not have telepathic powers."_

It was simple, really. There was a gay-sounding 'poof' (how a poof can sound gay, only Itachi would know) and purple smoke to boot (_Get your custom-colored chakra smoke at Chibi-onna's Specialty Shop! 10 percent discount until the end of this year! Shop now! Chibi-onna's Specialty Shop: we sell anything and everything. You'll be surprised._). And so Orochimaru, the Snake Sannin made his appearance, in all his glory… and freshly-applied makeup (which is, of course, under all that henge).

"Kukukuku… Perfect, Kabuto…"

Kabuto just smiled and accepted the usual praise. He couldn't afford to be less than perfect with such a master, after all.

Orochimaru looked around him approvingly. The interior design was just flawless, divine and intricate!!! It was the mother of all designs! It was the masterpiece from which masterpieces were made of! It was the epitome of beauty, the prelude to creation, a gift from the gods! It was—

"…shit?"

Orochimaru turned to the newcomer.

"I beg your pardon?" Surely, he must have heard wrong.

Annoyed at the ruined moment with his lover, Naruto repeated irately, "I said, what the fuck is this shit!"

Orochimaru narrowed his eyes at the blond.

_He did not just say that._

"You call this _**crap**_ interior design?"

_He did __**NOT**__ just say that._

"Seriously, I hired you because I trust Iruka-sensei, but I never thought you'd be this bad! I mean, who do you think you are, Orochimaru or something?"

"**YES I DO, YOU INSUFFERABLE BRAT!!!!"**

Orochimaru finally snapped and dropped the illusion, revealing narrowed eyes and several veins popping out on his forehead.

Kabuto gasped and quickly held up a mirror to his master. Horrified at his ghastly appearance, the Snake Sannin immediately schooled his expression to that of elegant annoyance (i.e. without the vein pops). Surely, he practiced in front of the mirror everyday for him to acquire such mastery over the art of controlling one's facial muscles to that degree.

"I'll have you know, _**brat**_, that this _**crap**_ you speak of…" he gestured to the magnificent purple pillars with golden snakes spiraling upwards, the rows of shelves filled with an assortment of bottled organs soaked in formalin, the cold damp rocks that encased the living room and the lavish gay-looking throne in the middle of it all.

"…is one of the best in the world! Nothing can even compare to the stark beauty it possesses! The excellent ambiance! The—"

"It's a copy of one of your disgusting laboratories," Naruto cut him off, "and as such, it's ugly. Got it, Snake-face? **UGLY**. Who would want creepy body parts in their living room? It's not even Halloween! Honestly, you are not fit to design. _**Amateur.**_" The blond sneered at the flabbergasted Orochimaru who was too affronted to even make a comeback.

Perhaps to save face, the insulted gay pedophile did the facial control thing again, and by the looks of it, I only have one advice to the children of the world: "Run! Run like the wind!" He turned his gaze on the Uchiha and in a sickeningly flirtatious voice, he addressed Sasuke.

"I think it's high time that you return to Oto with me, Sssasssssuke-kun…" he licked his lips with that obscenely long tongue.

"Ewwww…." Naruto said, disgustedly swiping off the spittle sprayed on him by the Snake Sannin from the steady stream of 's's from Sasuke's name.

Wow. Such a stunning sentence sprinkled with alliteration…

Okay, stopping now.

Moving on…

"You do realize that I came back here of my own accord, don't you? I have no intention of going back there. Especially now." He glanced at his lover conveying his true feelings through his eyes.

Eternally the spectator for this scene, Kabuto was unable to do anything but gag and watch as an anthill sprouted in the living room, the little insects heading straight for the couple. Talk about being sickeningly sweet. Then, as if it were an automatic action, he reached for a can of bug spray and committed mass murder.

Elsewhere, the Aburame clan grieved the loss of their creepy crawly friends.

"There's your answer," Naruto said, looking smug while ignoring Kabuto's fumigation, "Just get the fuck out of here and never come back, Hebi-temee! Unless you wanna die that badly…" he took a fighting stance.

Insulted beyond belief, Orochimaru was just about to summon snakes when he suddenly found himself tied to a cross in a blood red world. His eyes widened. It could only mean that—

"For the next 345 minutes, you will be tied up there while I draw ridiculous things on your face using a kunai."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

Orochimaru collapsed just as Kabuto finished his bug-killing spree.

"Orochimaru-sama!" he caught the Sannin. He faced the others. "This isn't over," he read from one of the idiot boards. Honestly, for all his smarts, Kabuto couldn't even memorize all of his lines. He then promptly used shunshin to get away.

Everyone else blinked. "What just happened?"

Itachi turned to the others, "I think he was having a migraine."

The others were still puzzled, but they wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. It was fortunate that they didn't have to fight (destroying Lee's home along the way), and didn't question the shady explanation of the henge-d Uchiha.

Naruto locked eyes with Itachi, silently thanking him. Itachi just smirked and barely noticeably nodded back.

"Oh no!!!! What do we do with the interior design? We can't leave it looking like this!!! And the deadline is fast approaching!" Naruto was frantic with worry.

Knowing how close the blond was to running around like a headless chicken, Itachi spoke up, "There's no need to worry. I already made back-up plans. We only have to clean up this mess," he gestured to the gruesome purple monstrosity.

The ninjas finished fast, with the aide of a few dozen kage bunshin. Curious, everyone (yes, everyone: including the kage bunshin) asked Chi-san what the back-up plan was. He just smirked and turned around, gesturing for them to follow. He led them to the backyard.

The ninjas gasped at the sight. The once barren training ground now flourished with freshly cut Bermuda grass, the once solitary tree now accompanied by another, forming an alcove in one corner of the yard. Under the touching branches of the trees was a small table covered with a plain white table cloth. On it, dinner plates, wine glasses and utensils set for two, and a translucent bowl of water in the middle with soft sakura petals and little pink flower-shaped candles floating about.

"Wow…" Naruto breathed, "This is just… wow…"

Itachi scoffed. As if he would be capable of doing anything less than perfect.

"That's not all, though," Itachi said, unable to restrain himself, "Since the date was set for dinner, I put up some lights up in the trees. Wait until after sunset so we can see it."

And so they waited for the sun to set. It was a tad boring, though. But when it finally did, Itachi and flipped a switch.

Small bulbs of different colors came to life, spread under the canopy of leaves. Looking up, it would be as if you were staring up into a star-filled sky. It was utterly romantic. Itachi proceeded to light the candles on the centerpiece. He then turned to the stunned blond army and his brother.

"And to add to the ambiance, I have these." Itachi held up a green glowing bottle.

Everyone was puzzled for a moment. Was that alien blood or something?

Knowing what the others were thinking, Itachi almost face-faulted.

"No, it's not alien blood. I'll be releasing these fireflies when the time is right."

Dispelling the crowd of kage bunshin, Naruto came over and patted Itachi on the shoulder.

"It seems I made the right choice in recruiting you." He grinned.

"Hn."

"Anyway, I'll go pick Sakura up. She should be ready by now. Temee, stay here with, uh, Chi-san and wait for Neji and Lee. I'll be back in a few." And off he went.

* * *

Haruno Sakura stared at herself in the mirror as she finished applying some lip gloss.

"So, are you ready yet?" a voice came from her left, in the direction of her now open window.

"Naruto, you do know what doors are for, right?" She raised an elegant pink brow.

Naruto crossed his arms in front of him and pouted.

"But that's so uncool, Sakura-chan! You're a kunoichi! You should know how it feels!!"

Sakura rolled her eyes, but smiled anyway. The annoying dobe from their academy days was now a great ninja, one of the best in the world. And probably the next Hokage at that. He was a nice person, an amazing friend. She was happy that she has put the past behind her.

She used to resent him on colossal levels, back when the news of him getting together with Sasuke was fresh out of the gossip hotlines (how else would she and Ino be updated on everything?). She had ample reason to: after all, she's loved the avenger all her life. Well, at least she thought so. But now that she's had time to deal with it, she realized that a relationship between the broody Uchiha and herself would never work. Besides, the idea of producing brooding chibis and little stalkers with him made her cringe. Besides, the raven-head was gay. She never had a chance to begin with, unless of course she's been hiding a dick all along. And now that she's stopped stalking him, Sasuke had been more amicable. It was nice to have them both as best friends, especially after everything that's happened.

With regards to love life, for her it was non-existent. She immersed herself in her work, doing shifts at the hospital, training with Tsunade, going to missions, etc. Well, Lee always asked her out, but for the life of her, she just couldn't say yes. She didn't want to be a judgmental bitch, and she knows that Lee's a good guy who knew how to treat a girl right, but she was just really grossly reminded of Maito Gai whenever she saw the look-alike. She cringed at the thought. It was just too freaky.

"So, who's my blind date?" she asked.

The blond smirked conspiringly. "That's for me to know and for you to find out, sweetheart." He winked, blindfolding her afterwards

"Naruto, you idiot! How am I supposed to get there—whoa!!!"

Okay, stupid question. There's always shunshin, after all.

Finally, the blindfold was removed. She slowly opened her eyes.

A charming smile. An attractive face.

"Hello, Sakura-san."

* * *

A/N: Ooh, a cliffie!_Chibi smirks evilly._ Yeah. That aside, I'm sorry for not updating for a long time… Make that a VERY long time. My thesis is eating my soul. Please wish me luck, my defense is on the first week of March. I really wanna graduate on time. In any case, I hope this chapter made you happy! I love you all. _Chibi hugs everyone._

As usual, I have already replied to my reviewers individually, at least all the signed reviews (due to the new regulations of ffnet regarding replies to reviewers…). As for the unsigned reviews:

chibi okama : I miss you! I'm sorry for not being in touch so much though. My thesis really is eating my soul. _Chibi cries_.

Little Queen of Neptune : Yeah…. _Chibi grins evilly._

ISC: Thanks for the review! _Chibi glomps ISC_. I hope you liked this chapter!

anonymous: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it! I'm sorry for updating just now, though.. I hope you liked the update!


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